Slowly fading away

Last weekend made me realize how much I actually forgot.

When my wound was still fresh, everything about him would make my heart ache. In the beginning I’d be reminded of him all the time. No matter where I was or with whom I was. Whenever I saw something funny I’d feel the urge to tell him about it. At the train I’d see the seats where we used to sit. What we used to talk about, the things we ate or love. Every single thing reminded me of him and it hurt.

However, last weekend made me realize that I’ve forgotten a lot about him. Some of the memories came back and that’s when I noticed I had forgotten about those. It made me feel quite good actually. I’ve come a long way to get this far and I’m doing great. My last post.. was just a momentarily weakness.

A momentarily weakness

I think I’m getting close to the end of the process. Those 3 days of camp were emotionally tough. I didn’t expect myself to be 100% alright, but I didn’t expect this rollercoaster either.

I need to be true to myself and the truth is.. I still think of Eric occasionally. It’s something I dislike admitting, but it’s what it is.

The first day I was still delusional. I thought that he was conscious of me too. The next two days he proved me wrong. The reason why I thought so was because of the seating for dinner. Everyone got a number from 1 till 5. He and I were number 5. While the rest went to their assigned table I went to the kitchen to help out. He came to me and told me that I belonged to their table. That’s when I thought:

He was watching when they assigned me to a table.

That was it though. He was normal the rest of the days. It’s very much clear that he has gotten over me. I even saw him with this other girl. How awkward it must have been for him to be in the same space as his new and old love. If it’s her.. I will accept though. She’s really nice and genuine. If it’s her.. I understand why he decided to push me away.

Discipleship

The camp was amazing. It’s been a while since I’ve felt God’s presence. It’s something I do not find in my own church anymore because of all the problems that are going on at the moment. Perhaps I will write about them one day, but today’s post is about the camp!

I almost didn’t go, because I was kind of scared to face Eric. Another reason was the awkwardness. I haven’t seen most of them, so I wanted to avoid it.

Really, God amazes me every single time. The way He reaches for me and His plan. I managed to bring my little brothers along and the youngest enjoyed it. Even though he kind of dislikes church and doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. He’s even going to the reunion party this Friday. Step by step, I hope he’ll get to know God better. And someday acknowledge His existence and love.

Face it

I’m not sure whether I’ve mentioned this before.. but Eric’s church has a weekend camp this weekend. Yesterday I’ve decided to go too. Kind of last minute, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen those people and that I’ve been to a camp.

My own church isn’t doing very well last the few years. Everyone has lost motivation, their passion.. I noticed that their lack of passion is starting to rub off on me. It’s tough when you’re one of the few people who wants to do all kind of things.

Living behind a mask

Most people live life through their mask, scared to be their true self. I can’t say that I live as myself 100% yet, but I’m trying to live as honest and close to myself as I can.

There was a time when this was different though. I was living through a mask and was scared to show myself to people. It might be age, but I’ve started to stop caring about how others view me. I didn’t entirely stop caring.. but for the most part I’m living life as I want.

I want to be true to myself. I they don’t like me, they don’t. If they do, I’m happy they do. At least, I know that it’s for who I am. Sure, people might say I’m weird and give me lots of advice on how I should behave. And sometimes, it does bother me when they say those things. However, this is who I am.

You are your own person and I am me.

The biggest compliment I’ve received in my life is probably:

I like how shameless you are.

Ahem, let me explain. When this girl said she liked me because I was ‘shameless’, I got quite a shock lol. What did she mean by shameless? I asked further and what she actually meant was ‘free’.

This is just a phase in life

I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from panic attacks. Now that my exams are coming up again, I’m feeling all fidgety.

Last night, while I was lying in bed I was trying to calm myself from a mild panic attack. Ten years from now I’ll look back at this phase of my life and probably shake my head and think:

Why did I stress so much over this? Look at me now, I’ve turned out just fine.

Hopefully by then I’ll be married and have a family. If not, I hope to be in a relationship. And otherwise, happily single and content with my life.

The things I am struggling with right now, will seem trivial then. Just like the troubles I had during my high school life.. They used to be big and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to overcome them. That was also just a phase of life.

Now I’m in my college phase and after this work and probably family. So all I need to do now is.. chill out and do my best.

Do your best and God will do the rest!

Summer fever

Ahem, Excuses for the lack of posts because I’ve fallen ill.

It started by me waking up Sunday, 2 in the morning, feeling cold and nauseous. Me feeling cold wasn’t very logical since my body was burning up. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. I was feeling hot and cold and the nausea didn’t help either. By 4 o’clock my body started to ache and it felt weak. I wasn’t even able to lift up my hand. That’s how weak I felt!

Bummer.. I had plans for Sunday. My uncle from Shanghai is here for business meetings and is staying with us. They went shopping and ate sushi. I was really looking forward to it. Instead I stayed at home in bed fighting my nausea.

Process of love

After I met Eric I’ve started to wonder about relationships.

It’s a wonder to find someone who likes you back. Mutual love definitely isn’t easy to find. If you in any way happen to find someone who’s mutually in love with you, there’s still a long way before you step into a relationship. There are a 1000 things that can go wrong on the way. And when you’re finally in a relationship with each other, there are another 1000 things that can go wrong. How do people manage love?

A bad day

This week there was not much to do again. So I went to my coordinator and addressed this matter and at the same time I asked for more work. The past few weeks I went to his desk to ask for work. However, yesterday and today I called out to him when I saw him on the hallway. I know, not very professional, but at the time I didn’t really think about my actions. When I called to him today, he took me apart in a room and wanted to talk about it.

Spoiled

When I started college I stayed with my mom the first 2 years. It was though. I had to travel 4 hours each day. I’d wake up at 5 in the morning and get back home at 12.

It was tough, but it was durable. My grandmother and mom then got an apartment for me nearby the college. Travel time now got a lot shorter. I can walk to college and it takes up to only 15 minutes.

I lived on my own for a year when until I got a roommate. It was tough to live together since we’re both different. It can still be tough sometimes, but it has already gotten better compared to the beginning.