Bad dream

I had a bad dream last night. I don’t remember much of it, but what I do remember and feel is the sadness and anxiousness. The dream bothered me enough to think about it the whole day.

You must think I’m easy

I bet guys think I am easy to get. Till this day I’ve only been attracting insecure guys with little confidence and who’re quite desperate for a girlfriend.

Sometimes I’d think..

Is it because I can’t get better than this?

Normal guys don’t look my way, only weird ones. The problem must be me.

My list

I bet most have a list of what they look for in their partner. I have one and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

When I was younger, puberty, my list contained the most immature and ridiculous requirements. Things like..

Why can’t it be

I just decided to post this song, because it popped up in my head a few days ago and has been stuck ever since. This was one of the songs I listened to all the time when I felt sad thinking about Eric. Not the smartest thing to do.. I know. But suddenly all sad songs seemed written for me.

Before I met him.. sad songs were just sad. They didn’t touch my heartstrings, but when I broke off all contact.. I finally felt those songs.

By the way, I am not feeling sad or anything at the moment lol. I am actually quite happy haha. My weekend was super awesome! I might write about it tomorrow.

I saw him everywhere and anywhere

I used to see his name everywhere. I started to notice when I broke off contact with Eric. His real name is super common and it’s surprising if you knew how many times I saw or heard his name.

At one point I decided to count the times I saw and heard his name. I can be the obsessed crazy chick when I want lol. I did this for almost 6 months and then I stopped, because I really needed to move on. Counting his names didn’t help. I was trying to forget, not to remember. Well.. I just started the counting to prove Elaine that he was everywhere.

Boredom strikes

Lately there’s not much to do at the office. It’s been like this the whole week.

As an intern I’m responsible for 6 processes out of the many in our department. There used to be a lot a of cases and I’d be busy for the whole day. However, that was a different story this week. I finished everything before it was even lunch break every single day.

Now some of you might say..

How nice! Why are you complaining? You can do other stuff now, like.. school or facebook?

Right.. I know that the other interns do that. They play on their phone, go on facebook or do stuff for school. I don’t do any of those, because I don’t think it’s appropriate. I’ve come to work and to learn. I take the things I do seriously and try my hardest to do them well. Also, I like to be busy, it’s satisfying to have a productive day lol.

Dreams about you and me

Occasionally Eric will visit me in my dreams. Last night was one of them. The dreams started after I broke off contact with him. I’d have dreams about him regularly even if I didn’t think of him at all.

The dreams I have are always about one of these three themes:
– Me running away from him while he’s chasing me. In the end he always manages to catch up on me.
– He comes back to me and asks me to give him another chance. I always do and in my dream it was the best decision ever. I’d always feel invincible and ridiculously happy.
– We’re together and he breaks my heart. Whenever I wake up.. I can feel the pain I felt back then all over again.

Last nights dream was number one.

Gosh, I can be whiny

Sometimes I feel guilty for making people read/hear about my complaints and rants. Sorry, but I won’t stop lol. I really need this place! Where else can I empty my heart and thoughts?

I don’t tell my friends always, because I don’t want to make them worry or bother them about it. But if I can’t spout my nonsense somewhere, I will explode. So once again, sorry if I am whiny, bitchy, dramatic or emotional. Forgive me?

I am the bad one

It’s about Ethan. He’s trying, he really is. He tries to talk to me on Whatsapp and actually wanted to meet up today. He asked me to meet up on other days too, but I said I wasn’t available each time.

It’s me, I am the bad guy. I wait for as long as I can with responding on Whatsapp and when I do, I give short responds. I have this urge to ask him whether he really likes me, so I can reject him. Is it too soon to do so? I’ve bad experiences about rejecting someone.. really bad experience..

People around me have been telling me to give him more chances.

Go on at least 3 dates before you reject him.

I just can’t. I dislike leading people on, the guilt eats me up. The most ideal situation would be him realizing that I’m not interested in that way. I do want to be photography buddies, but nothing more.

Lost voice

Music.. is one of the important things in my life. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t make or listen to it.

Just like most of the asian kids my mom put me on piano lessons. Which I took till my 15th, because I didn’t like to play the classic pieces my teacher gave me. Instead I played the songs I liked and a few years ago I picked up the guitar. And then.. my most important instrument, my voice.

I’ve loved singing ever since I was small. I wouldn’t say that I am talented, but not bad either. The speeding of my heart when I sing a song that touches me.. it’s an indescribable feeling.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I stopped. Why did I stop singing? Where did the joy and passion go? When I do sing.. I can’t feel it anymore. I wonder what happened. When did it start?

I do have a clue, but it’s something I have yet to figure out. I want to find my voice again and feel my heart speed up!